Aku Si Lulung
Hahaha
Sick
To tell you the truth, I want to know every parts of you. What were you thinking, Where were you going, What kind of food you ate; I just want to know. Gladly coming to this dirty school with these dirty hands specially to see your face. Even though we sit across the room. Even though, we didn’t have a chat. Just saw you okay makes me feel alright. Maybe you never know what I am thinking. Maybe you never know what you did to me. That insensitive part of you really…
I’m not angry.
I am truly glad that I can still see you. Because by the end of April, I’ll disappeared. You know what? That’s all because I have this kind of feelings to you. I might can’t stand hear you talk all nice and easy about other boys that are sickly running after you. The truth is I can’t hold myself shouting without any reasons; can’t erase the thought of make you mine.
At this point, I might hurt you.
Do you not know I get wet every time I think about you? Do you not know I easily jealous and silently see you with dirty thought? I envy to your pure heart that makes me want to puke… want to break every incs of you. I am not a good person. A super-dimwitted-brainless-idiot-horrible-person.
It’s not your fault, though. You just did what you thought is right. I’m the only one who’s at fault.
So, please, let me stay away from you. Stop invite me to your room alone. Stop rub my head whenever I pretend to be sad. Stop smiles like we are the same. You’re pure. You’re too good to stand beside me. I can’t stand it. I’m sick of myself. Don’t tell me that I’m a good person. I lied to you! Every little things about me are all made-up on last minutes. There’s no one named Sasha. There’s no one in love with me this past ten years.
I lied to you!
I lied to you!
Don’t ever say you know about me. Please, don’t make me hurt you more than this.
i have to accept the truth
Tak Melihat
Terkadang manusia menutup matanya untuk menjauhi masalah. Tetapi bukankah itu sama saja dengan melarikan diri? Aku tak tahu ini benar atau tidak. Hanya saja, melarikan diri itu menyakitkan. lebih menyakitkan dari menutup diri. Dosa itu terus mencekik, menyesakkan napas, Airmata yang berlinang adalah hasil kebohongan. Mengapa aku terus berputar di roda semacam ini? Sebenarnya aku berlari dari apa? Jangankan hidup, mati saja sudah tak layak. Bunuh diri bukan menjadi pilihan yang terutama. Kapan kita berlari? Kapan kita tertawa? Kapan kita menangis? Jalan kedewasaan sungguh panjang dan sulit. Aku tak mengerti apa sebenarnya yang ingin dicapai manusia lain. Adapun aku tak ada tujuan yang dapat menjadi panutan hidupku. Bertahanlah. Bertahanlah. Bertahankah? Aku menangis hanya untuk diriku. Aku memaki hanya pada diriku. Walau nyatanya orang lain berjalan berdampingan denganku. Aku menutup mata dari mereka. Rasa takut menyakiti terus melahap ingatanku. “Menyerang” adalah kata-kata tabu untukku.
afraid…
afraid…
afraid…
completely afraid…
the shadow on me struggle the light out
why… why…
sun and moon are laughing at me
scary…
scary…
scary…
I don’t know who I am. who I used to be…
It’s scary.
